Disturbing

It isn't often but it is sometimes and it is always disturbing ......

*We're Going to Kill You*

It was dark, it felt like twilight somewhat. I had gotten out of my car for something, it was an unknown reason. When I came out of the wooded area there was a man standing at the end of the dusty pathway. I saw him almost immediately. He was younger, shaved or very short haircut, holding something long in his hand.

I looked beyond him and saw him another two or three fella's. It all felt very unsafe. I turned to go get my car and it was gone. Another man appeared. "Where is my car"? I asked the guy as I tried to go around him. I had left it running; I was still unsure why I had gotten out of the car to begin with. As I rounded the pathway, I saw that my car was hood first into the lake or some body of water.

I turned around and the next image I see is me on the ground looking up at the guy with the long thing in his hand. He had on a grey sweatshirt and the darkness behind him was only slightly illuminated by the last of either sunlight or moonlight behind a passing cloud.

"We're going to kill you", his voice echoed in my head. I had hoped all his mob of men was going to do was rape me at best, at worst. The five words weren't processing at first but I can tell you, it was fear. Fear was welling inside me. Fear kept me pinned to the ground. I never screamed when that first hit came.

In my real life, I felt my body shift and shut off. It was like a disconnect because my dream self never felt the hits that came bashing down on my flesh, repeatedly in anger. I never tried to stop him. I realized at one point that I had a cellphone. I hoped and remembered in my head that if I dialed 911 and left it upside down in the brush next to me then the police would know I at least died, I at least had attackers.

I kept fumbling with my phone in my right hand. The attacker never noticed. I distinctly recall trying  to hit the phone button on my touch-phone and hide the light. The hits kept coming.

Someone in the darkness yelled "who called them"? and I tried to look beyond the attacker. I saw two more cars pull up and the night illuminate with headlights. The police arrived and before I even dialed 911. I don't  remember any more hits pulsate against my flesh, instead, I tried calling for help, hoarsely and repeatedly.
I called and called until I think I finally woke up.

Falling into Oblivion ... Almost

I am  not going to dither on details that have been a few weeks removed and even as fresh as 24 hours passed. I am merely going to lay it here in evidence that twice now, I have dreamt of a portal appearing in my dream.

The first time it appeared it was behind a picture. A group of us were aware of its presence and moved the picture from its place on the wall. I remember thinking of the excitement of finally going "down the rabbit hole" and wondered what awaited on the other side.

For another reason, we put the trip off for the moment and replaced the painting over the hole, saving it for another time.

Then again last evening, no time frame given, I am unsure of how long the dream lasted.

I was packing an over the shoulder sling bag with a change of clothing for I knew that to have an extra set of clothing would be a welcomed and wise idea. Someone with whom I spoke also thought that a good idea. I absolutely remember thinking that the bag would be rematerialized wherever I ended up.

*note: I am currently involved in the 4th book in the Gunslinger Series by Steven King and this may lend to the sudden appearance of "port holes" in my dreams. What it doesn't account for is the child-like hysteria of elation that accompanies the knowledge that to pass through these portals as I dream will forever change how I dream. Maybe that is why I have yet to pass through one "consciously".*

Vicodin Dreams

I was sitting in a four door car, kind of beat up. I was waiting for someone to call my name and I was suppose to get out of the car to cross the lot. The sun was shining warmly in the sky. My son was nearby, sitting in the car next to me. I looked out the passenger door window and saw my Aunt Linda and Uncle Chuck. I remember thinking how strange this is, that they are here. That was a long flight for them to come to where we live, why would they even fly that far?

I look at my son, "They didn't call my name"? He looks at me in response, "I told you to slow down" echoes in my ears as the words come from his mouth.

"Am I dead", I ask him?

"Yes", you died" was his response, dead, flat, parent-like. And then I seem to follow a path with he and my husband and my daughter. I am looking at the top of the X we drive. "I need to know how it happened", I keep saying to myself silently. I follow the car longer, the same color, the same shape, the same car as real-life.

My husband puts his hand on the roof and the car bends funny, like it sinks into itself (Matrix) and he speaks without my ever seeing him, "You were turning here, too fast". I look at the green pastured corner that bent with the road.

"Did it flip"? words fall into nothing but silent air. I never got an answer but then I am very much alive again and driving in the car with them. We were headed somewhere, I cannot recall the rest but it went on for awhile.

LATER after I awake to go to the restroom......

I am in the same hospital that I always encounter in my dream. Maybe not the same, same but the one that most often appears in my slumber. It has 19 floors, a huge glass entryway, too many corners to turn and too many doors to go through. If I go through the wrong door I end up in a mall of sorts then I have to back track and find the right door again to go back into the surgical suites. It was nearing the end of the day and I was was suppose to leave.

I wasn't dressed any longer in my work clothing but street clothes. I stumble into an operating room where friends of mine were. They needed a hand. There was an infant on this cold slabby thing that was round on the top and he was balanced on it. Someone in the room looked at me and handed me a plastic wrap, draped it across my arms.

"Are you ready for him", he asked me with an authoritative but inquisitive tone, "Don't drop him when I hand him to you". Instantly, he was handing this 6-8 month old to me and I nearly dropped him. It was like my arms just gave out. His head dove down first then his feet, someone caught him and I nearly dropped him a second time.

I collapsed to the floor on my derriere, trying to cradle the child as the OR staff readied itself. I kept repeating to myself that my hands don't work so well anymore. This little bundle of happiness seemed to age in my hands from a newborn swaddled with the residue of his mother's womb to a smiling, toothed blue-eyed boy with a short hair cut.

Brian had come in and took the boy from me but not before I had held his fingers and cooed at him. He smiled an angelic grin in my face and reached his hands to mine, then reached a hand and grabbed my face. I cooed some more and thought about how wonderful this must look from a far, how much I loved this child I'd never met.

I left the room after I handed the child over, trying to get to the elevator was another story entirely. I must have waited for that elevator for an eternity. It was on permanent "Going Up". I got into the elevator with faces I didn't recognize and I guess was suppose to hit 4 or 6, maybe 8 or 9 but I never did. The last time I looked at the elevator, I'd realized it had passed whatever floor I had wanted to get off on and it was headed, a long way up, to the 19th floor.

I got off in the middle somewhere, I didn't want to go to the 19th floor. A man and woman had gotten off ahead of me on whichever floor we were on and held the elevator going to the floor we needed. I thanked them and climbed into whatever I was driving. It was night now. I was going on a straight away in a busy city, reminded me of the city lights of NYC or Tokyo that depict, hustle and bustle but with a suburbia flair because there were shops. I see an ambulance in my rear view mirror and know I need to move out of the way but I was making a left hand turn up ahead.

Suddenly and silver sports car darts across the traffic, hits another car and flies through the air. It hurls itself backward and I covered my eyes from the bright sparks that were flying. In the midst of this, I recall, I must have been on the phone with Sean except there was no phone in my hand. We were talking though. As the vehicle careened past me, I hear him say "I just got hit". He was in the flow of traffic in the opposite direction and that car heralded itself into his that was stuck on the road (reason unknown).

"I'm okay but you should call Crissy because you need a copy of the front page of the Newspaper", his voice spoke.

"Why", I asked him, obviously dazed and confused.

"Because they captured your car in the same shot when this car hit mine" and that was the last thing I remembered.

LATER, Again.....

Bits and pieces but I was sitting in the pediatrician's office and she had my son's chart. She was flipping through it and she told me that they wanted to keep him overnight for observation. I remember asking her was it because of his history of rhabdomyolysis? She answered yes.

A Moments Beam of Glitter Gleams in Crimson Beads ...

For there were just  a moment when sanity crested the brink of acceptable and he had lost his restraint. The blood lay in small pools slowly growing in larger size. The breath and life leaving in gasping breaths of shock and surprise. He walks as if nothing had occurred; I stared in disbelief for to say but a word would surely guarantee the same fate on my behalf.

The doors opened as the dusky evening blanketed the world outside the threshold. He glanced back one last time and reluctantly I followed with knowledge and pain freshly etched into my spinning mind. My mute discussion of this lifeless body was spoken in that last glance. I passed the warmth of death that lay in dark haired tendrils refraining from looking at her eyes one last time. If I chose to do so, my silence may not be upheld.

Remnants of Subconscious

I was in a parking garage, the same one I end up in from time to time but never the same dream sequence. I saw myself going into the industrial room, a glass enclosure. My hand came around as a brunette with short curly (shoulder length) hair trailed behind me; I opened the hatch lock of a door and water poured in.

I was mildly aware that the water harbored a shark. Soon after, in clips of memory, I stabbed her.

I suppose I thought I would get away with it, but the "IT" I was not aware of yet. I ended up back with my husband at a place I cannot recall. The police came in shortly thereafter and as it slowly came to recollection, she was being blamed for murdering a woman. I allowed her, initially to take the blame. I didn't realize that I was the one that was actually guilty, my mind hadn't worked that into the dream.

I was talking with my husband and he was telling me that they would likely lock her up. They would likely rule out that she was angry enough to actually pull this off. I would not see her again. The suddenness of the things he was saying brought some sense into this blur and I cried out "I did it".

My husband looked at me with such disgust and concern.

The next scene turned into a Jag hearing. I was in the service still, apparently. I remember coming across the quarter deck, my hair unpinned and realizing this, suddenly wanted it pinned up. Someone unseen, told me it was fine.

My husband was given the duty of running the interrogation. Two of my girlfriends were there, weirdly enough. Meagen sat across from me, her hair piled atop her head, choked out something inaudible but it translated to charges I would face. Lori, to my right, was shocked and had tears of disbelief staining her cheeks.

I had to take the knife and show them how I stabbed the woman. Somewhere in the "instant replay", I saw myself doing the deed again after I opened the flood gates of water that unleashed the shark from its watery grave. I saw the knife sear into flesh but it was more goo and blubber and unlike flesh.

As the trial in the dim lit room continued, I looked over to Lori and whispered an acknowledgement that I barely had come to realize only moments before "this is just a dream". I spoke again to her, "Lori, this is only a dream" and her face relaxed.

The realness of the dream relaxed overall as the declaration left my lips. I cannot explain how or why I would have that knowledge but somewhere in the depths of locked spaces, the area filled with light and removed the guilt of how I came to do such things or why I would even consider such darkness.

The next scene changed and I was in my backyard, staring up at the sky, watching planes fly over our house. I remember being unnerved as they looped around and flew upside down; they continued to come in constant succession. I believe the planes were continuing their flights to monitor whatever the outcome were to be of my trial, unknown to me?

I awoke shortly thereafter .. as a green plane that was like a helicopter turned off its propeller and fell from the sky. When it looked as if it were going to crash into fuel laden flames of hell, it turned upside down and kicked on its propeller and soared into the sky, high above my house.

Running on Fog ...

Old house but modern beachy like …..

It was another one of those nights that I am not sure exactly why or how but here I was in this room and looking for something. I noticed a few huge Tupperware tubs in the room and some ppl in the room.

At the same time I noticed them, they noticed me and that was just as I saw them with a body behind a wall box (electrical floor to ceiling) and he was very dead pushed in there.

The next thing I seem to recall is my lifeless body propped against a bed frame and trying to take last minute pictures of the room; to see what they were hiding. I told myself I am determined to not die here like this but whatever they gave me was strong and it was meant to allow you to drift into sleep and then they were planning on stuffing me into a freezer they had in the corner.

The woman’s voice in the room was not someone I knew but there was definitely some sense of urgency to her because she kept telling some burly, topless man to just hoist her into the freezer. He didn’t want to and his argument was we’ll deal with it later as the doorbell rang.

Here is where it changes slightly; as I said, it was a beachy house feel and then suddenly it was inundated with a frat/sorority clan coming in and out. Said male who defended me hoisted me, and when I say I was lifeless, imagine a strong sleeping pill knocking you right on your ass and your helpless to defend yourself; he placed me in the living room that no one had come into and propped me up against the sofa.

An elder came in just a bit later and they asked about me “Oh she is just sleeping, rough day”. I could hear all this, the rich, whiney jet black haired oriental girl continually complaining, two of the girls were bickering among themselves, the hostile tension between some of the men in the room. It was like being in a room and sucking up all their negative energy and not being able to tell them to shove it.

In that unmonitored state of awareness I was starting to come around again; ever so slightly. A few twitches here, a head move there and then that is when I heard them, Lori and Meagen.

“Hey Vick, you alright” Lori asked in her usual concerned tone with a pep inflection.

“She’s sleeping” the same burly man answered again for me. Another female came over to him and told him I was waking up again and the dose must have been wrong and redose her. Somehow, I had a napkin in my hand and curled it up (like a snot rag).

I saw him pull a bottle out of his board shorts and twist the cap off. He shook out a few white cylindrical pills onto his giant palms. He picked on up and under her watch; he opened my mouth and dropped it inside. I also, somehow, now had gum in my mouth, which apparently I was chewing.

The black haired woman grabbed my head and forced it up to face her and then massaged my throat to force me to swallow. I tried to hold the pill between the gum and the back of my gums as the involuntary swallow was being forced. She did it again and I tried to again hold the pill while mustering up all the energy I could to just fake a big swallow.

The pill that was hidden did not taste horrible in my mouth but it stayed secure through all of this and she seemed satisfied that my already limp body had swallowed it.

He hoisted me up again and laid me behind the sofa onto some pull out bed.

The man and woman were arguing and I was desperately trying to avoid the effects of this pill slowly dissolving in my mouth; the same feeling was starting to come; the heavy limbs, the clouded thoughts, the drifting.

When I thought they weren’t looking; I quickly led the tissue to my mouth and wiped the pill into the tissue and let my hand just fall across my body, hoping it was enough of a spastic movement that would shoo it off as sleep to anyone who may have seen.

It must have worked because I laid there, unnoticed, on this bed, trying to fight off the pill and trying to figure out the next move. The room was so alive with such negative noise and knowing that my fate was slowly being sealed the longer I lay there; I had to do something.  I took a few deep breaths and found strength and courage.

“Enough” I screamed out as I sat up shakily. All eyes turned to the sleeping zombie that rose from behind the couch.

“Lori, Meagen” I stumbled down from the sofa and looked anxiously around the room. My goal was to find them and get the hell out of this beach house. The first person I saw was snobby rich girl.

“You are absolutely spoiled and self-centered with too much money and not enough morals” I turned to the two bickering over who knows what “and you two are just ridiculous”! I kept spouting things as faces, male and female, came into view; it went on as I was frantically trying to get out of that boxed in room and then I turned and saw him, the burly one that never had a face. I only ever saw as high as his neck, he must have been massive “and you” was the only thing I could come up with.

I was down the hallway and out the door and in the dimming sunlight standing in a gravel lot. The sun was slowly coming below the horizon and nothing was familiar; no sense of direction telling me how to proceed. All of it seemed out of place until I saw the gas station a few yards away.

In a sudden wash of time I was at her driver’s door; the little blonde pixie with short curly hair and a made up face looked surprised as she stood on the passenger side of her black, shiny VW.

“You have to help me, we have to get out of here” and I got into the car instinctively; she had two male passengers in the back seat, both about our age which appeared to be college aged. One boy was lanky and shorter, the other was a bit more filled out but neither appeared to be “warrior like”.

Noise rose from around the building as a mass of screaming, angry humans came barreling toward the car.

“You have to get us out of here” I yelled again.

“You got in the driver’s side, I can’t get to it, and there isn’t time”! The only thing I can remember was thinking that I was still groggy from whatever meds they tried to kill me with but the image of that white container that was going in a freezer flashed before my eyes and I turned over the engine and floored the gas pedal in reverse.

Funny thing about dreams, nothing moves as fast as you want, and certainly not a VW. As I whipped backwards; I barely made it out of arms reach of one crazy-eyed male who reached the hood of the car. My window was down and I could feel the lust of murder erupting from the mass and unable to truly see the traffic; said a quick prayer and just pulled out onto the lane.

I heard horns blaring but I never looked back and never took my foot off the gas pedal. People just appeared from the roadside in small gaggles and tried to stop the car. The surroundings became familiar because it began to remind me of the shore at Sea Isle City.

The angry mob was persistent and as one kid jumped in front of the car, I couldn’t avoid him and ran him over; his severed arm was the only thing I could see in my rear view. Nothing at that moment made sense; I was in a car with strangers whom didn’t mind helping. I was being chased for unknown reason and I kept weaving in and out of two lane roads going eternally straight.

“ They went to get their cars, now we really have a battle, these kids all drive BMW’s and fast engine cars” the shorter of the two piped up. I can’t remember his name but it was a “B” name so we’ll call Bryan.

“Of course, and I am in a VW” I groaned but pushed on. What the heck was I being chased for was still a mystery. I again had a flash of the girl, moving a wall where a dead man was stuffed behind an electric box thing and all you could see was his ashen colored head. I saw her push something and said to myself to remember but as I drove this car in a fog; I still hadn’t a clue as to what I was looking at.

Headlights in my rearview snapped me out of the daydream and now into a freshly made nightmare. His car was barreling down at me, fast. I had that pedal to the floor and this car wouldn’t go any faster. A second set of headlights was coming up fast behind him and now it was really a death match.

I raced around a car and it honked loudly at my close call. I am not sure if it was the dope that fueled the lack of impending doom or the adrenaline that fueled the inability to care because as I swung back into the lane; so did the tailgaters. Up ahead I saw a big rig barreling in the other direction and I was still trying to get around them to shake off these crazies. I shot at him head on and pulled to the left but there was another lane of traffic too close to avoid; his horned blared through the night air. I swerved back and then another truck was coming on his heels and somehow I managed to sweep between the two of them unharmed.

“They just engaged the deactivation mechanism” the female passenger let me know.

“The” I asked her, absolutely confused. On the dashboard screen was a picture of our passenger “Bryan” and a missile head looking thing (conical at the base but pointy at its head). It was slowly losing bits of it; like deleting data.

“We have to dump the fluid or he dies” and the hatch opens up on the rear of the VW. “Bryan” and mystery guest number two open this hatch in the floor and turn this pre-placed pail over on itself and a liquid comes pouring out onto the street.

Another loophole … I was suddenly propelled back to whomever was manning the DNA locator and “it” was watching through a monitor but it also looked like the image was being fed via binoculars because the image was in two circles and I was watching the two guys dump the DNA liquid data thingies right into the street.

I then was transported back to the car and in time to hear her say “They called off the DNA kill and the cars are pulling back” and sure enough, when I looked up, they were indeed, pulling back ….

I awoke to the morning sunshine in our bedroom on a very real crisp morning ….

Where It All Began (Jan1997)

Before I post this dream, I need to give a little back fill in order to offer some "cohesive sanity" in the seemingly chaos of it.
I have a very colorful background and within the time frame of this dream; I was surrounded by meditators, soul searchers and "tabbed" recreational users.

Now normally I wouldn't offer this up but as to dispel the misgivings I have in offering this dream, it is the most poignant dream I have had that offered my first experience with foresight.

In no way am I saying try anything recreational to try this level of achievement but in the honesty of unlocking my own life; I felt it necessary to mention.

I wonder what Freud would say?


The First Time


I do not recall her name but I remember her calm demeanor. The night air was still and it appeared that we stood in a brownstone area, location unknown.

There seemed to be some preparation of sorts but for what I was unaware. I was surrounded with some of the faces I communed with regularly.

If it hadn't been for this new face I would have thought we were all together again for our weekend Rave gatherings, our ritual.
She spoke to me and as she began I could feel my heart begin to race and my mind was confused by the words she was spouting.

"You need to drink this" she had a vial in her hand.

"I don't want to drink that, what is going on here" I was very frightened.

"It is fine, you will be OK, you have to go back now because you have stopped learning" she spoke " you are no longer progressing and it is not time for you, you must go back and relearn"

With that she handed me the vial and said "drink this".

No one stepped up to stop her, my friends just stood by and watched, no one offering any concern.

Idle chatter circled around me but I felt lost and disconnected from the very people that I spent the better part of the past year and a half with.

Reluctantly, I took the bottle and I drank the "potion" that was its contents.

I began to fall heavily into a slumber and she pushed me back onto a mattress that appeared out of thin air.

I remember thinking I don't know what is going on? I don't want to be harmed, why isn't anyone saying anything, why isn't anyone concerned that she is trying to kill me?

All the while, her voice spoke softly " you must go back because you are no longer learning" ....


I awoke after that, it was January of 1997. There was a lot in my life at that time, too much to get into here and free of charge :)
However, I mentioned it all began here .. the premonition. A little over a week later, life was a bit more tumultuous and I found myself in a very bad situation that progressed into a worse situation that ended with a hospital visit via an unconscious state.

While I was unconscious, I remember, in the distance two voices, little blips of light in a cavern of darkness, talking.

I can recall the lines that seem to keep me tethered to them, all the while, keeping me "conscious" and away from another certain fate.

It wasn't until weeks later that I had an epiphanic moment of clarity and was able to recall the dream and then connect the "prediction" if u will. It is quite scary how I was even forewarned and then unable to alter the course of its premonition.